Some funny humor on how I decided to spend my life...
Gotta love grad school...
And it's sad how true a lot of this is....
Enjoy!
Graduate School Barbie
Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms:
Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm). Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:
- Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first).
- Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.
- Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw Yourself" T-shirt.
- Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all over again" and "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's. But noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a masters degree, I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on my degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)
-Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing.
Deluxe Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add a little water, and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!
Other accessories include:
-Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm) Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).
-Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, Prozac, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription)
-Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately)
And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!
GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as "I need an update on your progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate yet" and "This is no where near ready for publication." Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Barbie's Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold
separately.)
REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say, "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe and Savings account sold separately. WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.
| Tell me what you like to be called. | Who are you? |
| How do you spell your name? | Who are you? |
| Please follow these guidelines and you'll do fine in this class. | Don't cross me you maggots. |
| We will be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. | We will be using my textbook. |
| The gist of the theoretical framework is what's most important. | I don't understand the details either. |
| Most scholars believe that . . . | I believe that . . . |
| Ask me that question in another way. | Try being coherent this time. |
| There are no stupid questions. | But there are stupid students. |
| You'll have to see me during office hours for analysis of that issue. | I don't have a clue. |
| That issue is beyond the scope of this class. | I really don't have a clue. |
| Today we are going to discuss a critical research topic. | Today we are going to discuss one of my articles. |
| Unfortunately, we don't have the time to study all the scholars who have made contributions in this area. | We will not be covering the work of people whose ideas differ from mine. |
| We can continue this discussion at another time. | This has nothing to do with anything you moron. |
| We can continue this discussion at another time. | Ok, you win. |
| We can continue this discussion at another time. | I have nothing else to say about this topic. |
| Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. | I was busy revising an article and didn't prepare for class. |
| What did Piaget say on this point? | Did anyone do the assigned reading? |
| That's an interesting point of view. | What incredible nonsense. |
| You think so? | I don't. |
| The implications of this study are clear | I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test. |
| The test will be primarily multiple choice questions. | The test will be 60 multiple choice questions, 30 true-false items, 15 fill-in-the blanks, 10 short-answer, and three essays. |
| Keep in mind that this was a challenging exam | No one scored above a C-. |
| The test scores were a little below my expectations. | No one is going to accuse me of grade inflation this term. |
| I'll certainly give that some consideration. | Not a chance. |
| I'm sorry about your grandmother. | Wait till you see the make-up exam. |
| Any further questions? | I'm ready to go. |
| It's been very rewarding to teach this class. | I hope they find someone else to teach it next term. |
| You should probably get a reference letter from someone who's had you in more than one class. | Who are you? |
http://www.des.emory.edu/mfp/saymean.html
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever; grad school just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. There are attractive people in Hell.
And the #1 subtle difference between grad school and Hell . . .
1. You would never tell someone to go to grad school!
http://www.math.uh.edu/~tomforde/hell.html
You Might Be A Graduate Student If...
…everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
…you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
…you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
…you look forward to summers because you can study more productively without the distraction of classes.
…you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin..
…you consider all papers to be works in progress.
…you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
…you have give up trying to keep your papers organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
…you have accepted guilt as inherent feature of relaxation.
…you find yourself explaining to children that you're "in 20th grade."
…you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
…you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades.
...you can read course books and cook at the same time.
...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
... 90% of your time is in front of the computer or reading.
...8% of your time is spent in class.
...2% of your time is divided among eating, sleeping, shopping, TV, laundry, and socializing.
...you use words that only the people in your classes can understand.
...free time is taken up by studying.
...studying keeps you awake.
...a complete dinner might be a bagel with cream cheese and a diet coke.
...a full night of sleep is 4 hours and a 2 hour nap mid afternoon.
...you have mastered the art of studying while on the bike or stairmaster.
...when you tell people your thesis topic, they blink repeatedly and purse their lips while attempting not to burst out laughing.
...you have an academic/professional text that you think is cool because you got the author to sign it.
...you consider cooking and cleaning your apartment leisurely breaks from real work.
...you have every minute of the next four months planned out but have no idea what you are going to do for the rest of your life.
http://www.gettingintogradschool.com/book/you-might-be-a-graduate-student-if
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~danhorn/gradhumor.html
